Two Bits

He (or She or It, as the case may be) must be busy - really, really busy. After all, HSI has to keep track of everything HSI has done for the U.S., what HIS has done for all the other countries in the world, AND all of the presidential candidates’ world leaders’ very personal relationships with HSIhonor. Must make for a pretty complex spreadsheet: Shall we eavesdrop?

 

“Let’s see–

Monday. Give American gas and oil from sea to shining sea. They certainly deserve it.

 

Tuesday. Give the Saudi’s and Iraqi’s more oil than I gave the Americans. Oh, cripe–does that mean I love them more?? And what about the Tanzanians? Don’t I love them at all? Note to SELF: check into it.

 

Wednesday. Give George W. Bush, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barak Obama, Osama bin Ladin and Gordon Brown special relationships with ME. I guess that I’m getting absent minded. Don’t remember doing it, but they say that I did, and they are honorable men and women, all, so I must have done. Got to get it in the spreadsheet, even if it means leaving Somali and Bangladeshi kids on their own another day. I’m not too worried, though. Those babies are pretty good at scavenging, and I have to get at the mortgage crisis. It’s been at the top of my ‘To Do’ list for a couple of months now.

 

Thursday. What the…Why are Americans still driving those gas-guzzling SUVs???? They should be carpooling, taking public transportation, and turning the heat waaaay down. I keep sending messages. If I didn’t know better, I’d be tempted to think that they make up the messages they want to hear. Why do any of these people need a God, anyway? They decide what I’ll say and then let ME know. And the French and the North Africans, the Germans and the Turks, the…how can it be Friday already? I’m still working on Tuesday.

 

Friday. Mortgage crisis, stock market, and those starving kids in Ethiopia. What about the women forced into prostitution all over the world? I keep hearing about all these terrible things. Can’t people see that I have a lot on MY plate? They can’t reasonably expect ME to pay attention to every little thing, can they? I have feathers and lilies of the field to deal with, too. ‘All God’s creatures great and small’, you know. That reminds ME: got to get cockroaches into the spreadsheet.

 

Saturday. Why do people expect ME to do things? Can’t they see the solutions to their problems? Could it be that people are just lazy and selfish? Expecting SOMEONE ELSE to do these things for them?? I have a lot of smiting hip and thigh to do, not to mention helping various individuals bomb pipelines, hijack ships, and drop bombs. Answering all these competing prayers takes time. Oh No – now it’s a conflagration in Australia! Even with Excel, it’s hard to keep track of everything. Some things are bound to slip through the cracks.

 

Sunday. I’ve got to take some time off. Nobody can work 24/7. Surely they can manage to work out a few of these issues by themselves without blaming their problems on the devil or asking ME for help every time something goes wrong.. Why do they have to bring ME into it at all? I didn’t get them into this mess. They created every one of their own successes and their own problems. They pray instead of work, beg rather than negotiate, and give thanks rather than take credit for their own measly successes and crimes. There are just too many gosh darn versions of ‘right’ out there. When does what’s good for ‘A’ trump what’s good for ‘B’?

 

I may have eternity, but mankind doesn’t have all day.”